A framework for having great conversations with yourself

When was the last time you had a 1:1 with yourself?

Things get busy and we get so tangled up in lists of things to do and people to speak with and projects to complete, that we forget the most important relationship of all — the relationship we have with ourselves.

And yet, while I’ve heard of this idea of developing a friendship with yourself a million times before, admittedly I had no idea what it really means or how to do it.

We’ve all been in that place when we know that we just need a break. We take some much needed me-time, do a Netflix binge or go for a great workout class or spend on that big pampering ritual to treat ourselves. Or we listen to our favorite playlist or podcast while going for a run and we feel great. Or we buy something that makes us feel sexy. These pick-me-ups work great because we choose to do things that make us feel good in the moment, but their glow doesn’t last forever, and while these might all be necessary for self-care, they are not sufficient.

What’s needed is a way to build a real, long term relationship with ourselves — not binge watching sessions and bottles of wine or takeouts, not one night stands or casual dalliances. We need to develop the real thing. That thing that starts with intrigue and curiosity, graduates to friendship and ends in love, and allows us to live happily ever after. It’s the ultimate fairy tale, and we can create it and live it.

Before I go any further, I must admit that writing some of this was difficult. I’m writing about having a conversation with myself. Isn’t that really ( insert critical, negative word)? My inner critic told me it was silly, kooky, what would people think, and how stupid this is, and how self-indulgent.

And then I had to remind myself that each one of us already has these conversations. We all have our inner voices talking to us all the time, and sometimes we might have a whole conversation with ourselves where our minds are in the drivers seat and we’re in for the ride, but the ride doesn’t feel fun or energizing. And we can’t seem to get off that bus. Typically those kinds of conversations are undesirable. It’s a tragic irony that we spend so much time thinking about the conversations we should be having with our bosses and co-workers, or things we need to remember to say when we meet that friend, and yet, we spend no time really talking to ourselves.

With that admission out of the way, and my inner voice silenced and my higher consciousness in the driving seat, I’m pondering how we become best friends with ourselves? How do we begin to understand ourselves, and then eventually love ourselves? I’ve been pondering this question, and decided to read about topics of self-awareness, compassion, self-love, etc.

I learnt a ton of theory about why this is important, and the stats and science behind this are pretty incredible if you need any convincing, but I was left feeling a bit lost as to how to start. I felt like my mind needed something a bit more concrete to start off with, even if it was a little warm and fuzzy and free flowing once it started.

And so, in the absence of the aforementioned concrete launching pad, I made my own framework and gave myself a place to start. And here is how I approached it:

1. I started with guiding principles to remind myself of the purpose of these conversations. I chose curiosity, compassion, care and something fun as principles to bring to these conversations. As we would with a friend, we shouldn’t be afraid of bringing curiosity if we want to expand our understanding of something that comes up. It also helps to approach these conversations with compassion and care, by not beating ourselves down and really working on the singular goal of leaving your friend, i.e yourself with the feeling of being understood and cared for. And finally, because my friends are so fun to hang out with, I like to reward myself with something when I have these conversations. It could be a croissant at my favorite bakery or a new book I’ve been wanting to read, or a massage as a great end to the conversation.
2. I scheduled time to spend with myself periodically, distraction-free and in a format that allows for free, undisturbed thought ( e.g hikes or walks with phone in airplane mode). Scheduling by itself is not enough, protecting and taking that time for yourself is important. Doing simply this — taking time for myself and doing nothing else — has been incredible for me. I’ve done it for many years and some of my best thinking and feeling comes in these moments of silence and the sights and sounds of nature. Big fan of solo hikes!
3. Thinking about great conversations I’ve had with friends or strangers and reliving them and deconstructing them to be able to create that kind of energy and inspiration again. You know the kind of conversation where you walk away feeling so totally seen and heard and understood. That’s the feeling. The conversation makes you laugh out loud, think differently, inspire you to take on new hobbies, read new books, listen to new podcasts and generally feel really good and supported, even if you’ve just shared something really heavy or difficult. It’s magical, really. And it goes back to those guiding principles. If we bring curiosity about our experiences, ask ourselves great questions, show ourselves great care and compassion, while having fun and not taking ourselves too seriously, that’s pretty much all there is to friendship
4. From there, identifying realms or areas of my life broadly that these conversations should go deep into. Honestly, this took a bit of work and there’s no perfect way of doing it. We are complex human beings, and it’s hard to break our thoughts down neatly into boxes. And yet, I tried and my goal is to start here and see how it feels, and change as I go along. The areas I chose are 1) Professional 2) External World ( Personal and interpersonal) and 3) Inner World. I felt like these 3 realms best captured the range of areas I would like to go deeper into.
5. Within those realms, listing down some questions I want to use as aids to have that conversation with myself. Again, this can be different for everyone, and it can change with time depending on what’s on your mind, and how often you have these self check ins.

I won’t list down all my questions but here are a few examples:

Professional:

Does my work inspire me? What about it inspires me / or is uninspiring? Am I getting closer to my ultimate career goals? What am I learning about myself?

Personal / Interpersonal:

Am I feeling loved, heard, cared for and understood? Am I able to love, hear, care for and understand? Am I able to balance work and personal life? What do I need to do more of to strike the balance? How can I start doing that immediately and responsibly?

Inner World:

How does my inner world feel today? Am I at peace? Am I able to make time for nourishing my inner world through the habits I’ve built (breathing exercises, yoga, and meditation?) What moments in the past week have felt great for my inner world? What about them did I enjoy and how can I recreate those experiences? What am I learning about myself?

Update

I’ve done this once so far, and it flowed fine. I found some questions taking much longer than the others, and some others going by very quickly. But I stuck to all my questions ( My list is a bit longer than the examples above), just to get a feel for it for the first time and get a sense of what themes were top of mind for me and what themes were not. Initially it felt a bit odd, but I quickly got into the flow of things.

Going forward, I’ve scheduled these monthly, and depending on how the next couple of them feel, I might change the questions or the frequency or even the format. My goal is to allow some spontaneity to come into the conversation as well to truly make it feel organic, even with the initial nudge and framework.

I’m hopeful that doing this over time will give me a sense of harmony, and allow me to focus on what’s important and what’s not, and begin to understand myself better over time. And become my best friend.

Because life’s too short to live without having yourself as your best friend.